How was your February? Did you accomplish all your goals? Or, did you have a rough month?
They say that January is one of the most depressive or happiest months. I would classify February the same way too. Was February a happy month for you or was it a sad one?
Another Hard Month
I Knew You Were Waiting For Me
I don’t post about my personal life here on the blog or anywhere on social media. I am not afraid of sharing my story, but I don’t want people to get the wrong impression about my story. I also don’t want to be seen as needy, clingy, or emotionally unstable if I post my sob story on social media. However…
I left work in tears. I had a bad day as I was sick from a head cold (thanks, early spring allergies?) and the onset of my period. I should have stayed home because when I woke up that morning, I was too tired to do anything. I was also on painkillers and colds, which naturally makes me sleepy. Like, do you have those days where you are so drained and tired that you forgot parts of your day? That was Friday for me. I couldn’t recall the actions I took or some parts of the day.
I also feel pretty lonely. Like I started feeling this way when I had the flu last month. But, it wasn’t the typically home-sick loneliness. I never experience that. It was that loneliness when you feel when no one is there to support you, physically or emotionally. When I was sick with the flu, I cried because I had no one to buy me orange juice, the only thing I wanted that night.
I also feel lonely because no one supports me. I feel like people around me are negative recently. I have been trying to scale back some activities and even quitting organizations that I am in charge of so I can focus on making this blog more public and getting something out of it financially. I am also tired of the demands of my job.
When the Valley Is Low
February has been one of the lowest, “Debbie-downer” months for me. I am burned out. Tired. Stressed. Failed so many job applications. I just want to give up.
I think of myself as a person who has good days and bad days. I am mostly optimistic about myself as if I want something done; I get it done — I am also very stubborn. So if I set a goal of submitting 20 job applications in a week, I will do it. If I need to talk to somebody over the phone about something in Japanese, I will do it even though I am afraid of talking to people over the phone. If I have the power to do it, I will do it!
Self-love is a hard thing to measure because there are some days where I am like “I can do this,” and there are some days where I am like “I hate myself.” I can be super hard on myself as I am a perfectionist. But, sometimes I am too much of an overachiever and dedicate my time for everything but me. But there isn’t a day where I am like “I am thankful for this or that.” I am even thankful for today because I wrote so much and did all my chores.
Like a warrior that fights
And wins the battle
I know the taste of victory
Though I went through some nights
Consumed by the shadows
I was crippled emotionally
I Turn To You
As I said, I am lonely because I feel I have no support from the people that surround me physically or close to me (other than say someone online). I have wild dreams, I know, and maybe I am too optimistic. But, I have to try those dreams out before giving up. My co-workers and those I interactive with physically daily give up too quickly. I feel like I am trapped in a pessimistic den. People tell me I can’t do this or do that because they even never try. (And, on a side note, it isn’t about my dreams either. It happens with work-related things too) And when I seek professional help from other business-like minds, they even turn down my ideas. Except for one, and he is a dear friend.
Maybe I should stop being scared of reaching out when I need help. I should be more open too. Whenever I can’t solve a problem, and I go to someone for help, I might be stuck on step 5. But when I talk to someone, there brings me back to step one, and it annoys me because I know what steps 1-4 are. Same thing when someone is trying to tell me all the actions of a procedure in their way when I have my way. Like, I feel like they don’t try to understand me. Maybe I need to be more clear in my communication and tell them formally but more precisely.
When the river was deep
I didn’t falter
When the mountain was high
I still believed
When the valley was low
It didn’t stop me, no, no
I knew you were waiting
Knew you were waiting for me
This was a long post. But, I felt like I needed to share it somewhere. One song that has helped me to get out the funk was the 1986 duet by George Michael and Aretha Franklin, “I Knew You Were Waiting (For Me).” This song is actually a love song. But, like all love songs for me, I could translate it as self-empowerment song. Don7t these lyrics speak to you? They do for me.
“I knew you were waiting for me.” I can interpret “you” as the finish line or the results of reaching my goals. I know that through these hardships and failures that I am going to be stronger and will accomplish my goals if I try my best. I can enjoy Japan. I can enjoy living a bilingual lifestyle. I can get my blog up and running with the possibility of monetizing. I will get a business coach. I will get through my money hardships. I will be the winner. I will be the victor.
Just be patient.
Because I knew you were waiting for me.
(Trivia: In Japanese, this song’s name is “愛のおとずれ” or “The Point of Love”.)
Music is always inspirational! Music can help you with anything in your life: depression, self-love, writing, finding that one, and etc. Let me know which songs are YOUR Inspirational songs commented below!
Here are some songs that can be such an inspiration!